Oh. InDesign is using whatever the character is for the hyphen in the font. I don’t think there is any way to replace that character with another one.
You could use a GREP Style to apply a character style that has a different width to all hypens. (I write about how to do that with em dashes here: https://creativepro.com/5-cool-things-you-can-do-with-grep-styles/ )
But that won’t apply to hyphens inside words that are being broken. Hm.

Are you talking about hyphens that you type in a text frame? Or are you talking about something InDesign inserts for you (such as when making an index)?

I agree that it would be so awesome to have AI’s appearance panel. But in the meantime, there are still so many ways to make borders around frames. Here are a few articles:

Photographic Frames and Mattes

How to Inset a Stroke Partially Inside a Frame

Polaroid Pix

Stephano Bernardi came up with a great trick for this here:

InStep: Making Figure Legends

Are you trying to make the divider line match? Or the amount of text in each frame match? I’m not 100% sure what you are trying to achieve.

I haven’t tried this one in years, but I wonder if this would work?

Making Page Numbers as Words Instead of Numbers

Wow, that’s very strange. I have had some weird problems with table rows and column strokes that can be fixed by choosing View > Preview on CPU. That’s probably not what you’re encountering, but it’s always worth a try.

Did you select all the rows and columns of the table before clicking that button?