Adobe to Start Selling Corporate Sponsorships for InDesign Features

APRIL 1 — SAN FRANCISCO — FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

[Editor’s note: This was our 2021 April Fool’s Post]

Adobe announced today a new version of Creative Cloud apps, including Adobe InDesign, in which many features inside each product will be sponsored by prominent companies and organizations. Adobe CEO Shantanu Narayen explained, “Few people realize that the CC designation actually stands for ‘Credit Card,’ a clear reference to monthly subscription fees. But shareholders can now rejoice that we have found yet another golden opportunity in sponsored features.”

Stepping into a newly formed role of VP, Product Placement, industry veteran Pei Mi Moore added, “Slapping some company’s name on an application feature is no different than naming rights in NASCAR or the Olympics. By associating features with famous brand names, everyone wins. It’s called synergy, baby!”

Here are just a few of the feature names in the new product:

Copy and Paste sponsored by Kinko’s and Elmer’s glue

Pages panel sponsored by Barnes and Noble
Links panel, courtesy of Jimmy Dean sausage
Properties panel by Century21
The Andersen Window menu
The Disney Animation panel
The CNN Media panel
The Timex Timing panel
Bud Light Liquid Layout

The Nissan Pathfinder panel
The American Airlines Preflight panel

The FedEx Package command
Home screen sponsored by Home Depot
The Gap Gap tool

Jenny Craig Scale tool
Post-It Note tool
Mensa Smart Guides

And there are ongoing talks to have the entire Creative Cloud sponsored by The Weather Channel. Today’s forecast: Partly Crashy!

While traditionalists may grumble, Adobe is in it for the long haul. This is just the first phase in a long-term strategy of utilizing corporate sponsorships that could last well beyond the end of capitalism itself. Rumor has it there are already plans in place for a post-apocalyptic gathering of creatives dubbed Adobe Mad MAX. Coming soon to a dystopia near you!